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The Guilt of Grandparents
Added: (Sun Sep 18 2005)
Press Release 17th September 2005
The Guilt of Grandparents
Research done by Professor Peter K. Smith and Linda Drew of Goldsmith
College, Oxford found that the greater percent of grandparents (especially
grandmothers) who suffer from depression, nervous problems or have suicidal
tendencies are able to link the cause of their illness to them being
rejected by their families.
Grandparents who are denied contact with their grandchildren because of
family conflict often ask themselves, "What did we do wrong? Were we not
good enough parents to our children? Did we bring them up to be so
selfish?"
Perhaps when your family were growing up, father had to work long hours to
keep a roof over the family's head and the bulk of the child care fell to
mum. Whatever the reason the burden of responsibility and guilt for how
things have turned out seems to be felt more strongly by the mother, now
the grandmother. Almost all grandmothers who have been denied contact with
their grandchildren expressed the same feelings of guilt, that they are to
blame for their family acting so cruelly. They don't understand what can
have gone so wrong.
Sometimes the problem can be that parents don't want to let go when their
children grow up and are at an age of "I want to do it my way". The caring
for them may never end, but the responsibility does. They need to learn by
their own mistakes, no matter how hard it is for you to watch. When they
want to go their own way and do their own thing, you must let them. If
they feel forced into ways they don't want, they are likely to rebel and
may remove themselves from the situation.
Sometimes it is forgotten that everyone has their own spirit and it becomes
stronger at a certain age, usually during the middle teens. All the good
upbringing or education is ignored if they 'run with the wrong crowd' or go
on to meet a partner who is forceful or a bad influence. You can only do
so much. There comes a time when they are responsible for their own
actions. After that your place is to be there to pick up the pieces if it
all goes wrong. They are adults in their own right and will exercise that
right regardless.
At this point you must recognise that you have done your best and if you
let them go as a child, hopefully they will come back as a friend.
Ends
Grandparents Apart Self Help Group Scotland
Jimmy Deuchars. 0141 882 5658
June Loudoun 01560 322 937
jimmy@grandparents.co.uk
www.grandparentsapart.co.uk