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Labour Party Leak! Christmas 2008 Second Draft Paper 2009
Added: (Sun Dec 23 2007)
Background
Following the dispute concerning claims to territory and resources in the Arctic, there is to be an international conference in 2008 attended by representatives of the United Kingdom, Russia, Canada, the United States, Norway, Denmark (Greenland), Iceland and Sweden to finally resolve this issue by way of a new international convention and treaty.
The existing Law of the Sea Convention and its 200 nautical mile limitations on regional state exploitation of the artic is to be rescinded. Similarly, the International Seabed Authority which currently administers the area surrounding the North Pole will be disbanded.
The United Kingdom has little legal claim on the outer regions of the arctic, given that submarine surveys of the geological composition of the UKs’ continental shelf has shown no similarity to that of any arctic territory (the qualifying criteria for expansion of a national zone of economic interest within the arctic territory). It is however likely that in return for the UK recognising other countries’ new spheres of influence, they, in return, will agree the UK’s claims on the North Pole (given that no country’s continental shelf extends to the North Pole itself).
Her Majesty’s Government (HMG) therefore finds it likely that its claim on the North Pole will be recognised under a new convention and that the North Pole will be claimed as sovereign territory in the latter part of 2008.
In 2006, an extensive study was ordered by the Cabinet Office which included a geographic survey of that region. The survey discovered a populated settlement at the North Pole, the inhabitants of which will be deemed to be British citizens and subject to the laws of England and Wales.
Inspectors from a number of government departments have visited the settlement to determine what changes will be required to ensure that the inhabitants comply with UK legislation. Their main economic activity of is the production and international distribution of children’s toys.
Negotiations have been held with the unelected leader of the North Pole community, a Mr Claus. Extensive change will be required to ensure that local activities adhere to UK regulations, trade conventions and statute. The recommendations of the civil servant inspectors and their Ministers are set out within this document.
1. Department for the Environment
Professor Shanklin, one of the British Antarctic Survey Team who discovered the hole in the ozone layer in the Antarctic fear fears that within the next 20 years there could be a hole of similar size over the North Pole exposing some 700million people to dangerous UV rays.
Consideration needs to be given to the method of delivery utilised by Santa Claus industries, being solely air travel, being via a flying reindeer pulled sleigh. Aside from methane emissions from the reindeer, it has been learned that they imbibe a substance called ‘faery dust’ which enables flight. This dust needs to be subject to scientific testing to determine the environmental impact of its usage.
For this reason, and in consultation with the Prime Minister’s Office, we are recommending that toy production be moved from the North Pole.
The DoE recommends that presents/gifts no longer be wrapped, as this contributes a considerable burden on landfill and waste management. Such a restriction would result in a reduction of 700,000,000 tonnes of waste globally. This one change would ensure the UK’s achieving its Kyoto commitment for the next 100 years.
2. Equality and Human Rights Commission
Mr Claus is also known as ‘Father Christmas’ and this practice must stop. The commission believes that such a label may cause offense both on gender and religious grounds.
3. Ministry for Women
Harriet Harman QC, as the Minister for Women, has agreed that the position for Santa Claus should be re-advertised with the current incumbent invited to reapply. Advertisements for the position should remove the current qualifying criteria of being male. The inspectors rejected her demand that there being a need for facial hair also carried gender bias, having taken note of the appearance of a number of other representatives from her department.
Harriet Harman also reminded the inspectors that the term ‘Father’ should not be used in any position of authority as to do so would be in violation of the Labour Party’s values. She reminded us of her firmly held view that all men pose a threat to children and should be excluded from their lives until the child reaches the age of 18.
4. The Treasury
Alastair Darling has recommended that:
1] Faery flying dust is now to be subject to a fuel duty.
2] The Treasury is currently looking at the benefits to the public purse of the imposition of a number of taxes on gift recipients.
3] Parents will be asked to include details of gifts received, together with an approximate value which will form part of their annual tax return.
4] As the gifts are not purchased abroad, but delivered into the United Kingdom, they are subject to sales tax.
5] It was felt that Revenue and Customs may not be the best department to oversee the receipt of letters from children and subsequent recording of addresses delivery of gifts.
5. Customs Department
When delivering gifts to children in the UK, gifts must first be placed in a Ministry approved bonded warehouse to enable appropriate customs checks.
6. Civil Aviation Authority and Department of Transport
The Civil Aviation Authority and DoT have expressed a wide number of concerns about the means of transportation used and have made the following minimum recommendations.
1] Santa’s Sleigh is to be fitted with seat belts.
2] Santa’s Sleigh to be fitted with external lights and beacons in compliance with Civil Aviation Authority Regulations.
3] Santa’s Sleigh to be fitted with a tachograph, with a requirement for 8 hours rest to follow 8 hours of flight.
3] Communication equipment to be installed to facilitate liaison with Air Traffic Control.
4] An international conference to be called to obtain consent for overflight of national/international air space and borders.
7. Foreign Office
The Foreign Office is to give final authority when Santa is delivering gifts to children in countries which are subject to European Union and United Nations Sanctions. Embargos are currently being considered in respect of Burma, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Iran, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Iraq, the Ivory Coast, Liberia, Nepal, Uzbekistan, Sierra Leone, Sudan, and Zimbabwe.
8. Department for Business Enterprise and Regulatory Reform
The BERR (previously Department of Industry) has asked inspectors to confirm that Santa Claus hold valid Public Liability Insurance and that any elf made toys have been awarded the appropriate kite and CE markings prior to dispatch.
9. Ministry of Agriculture
Reindeer must be subject to Ministry of Agriculture inspection, and flights are to be grounded in the event of Foot and Mouth or Blue Tongue outbreaks in any visited country. Should such an outbreak occur, all reindeer must be culled within a 3 mile zone of the North Pole.
10. Department for Health and Social Security
Social Services had severe concerns that an adult male has contact with children without the appropriate CRB checks. Senior Officers for the department accepted that (for fiscal reasons alone) only good children should receive presents from Santa, but subject to the safeguards also included below:
1] Santa Claus to be subject to an annual police check (Criminal Records Bureau) prior to involvement with children on Christmas Eve (now to be renamed Holiday Eve so as not to cause offence to other religions).
2] A children’s panel made up of a social worker, youth community officer, magistrate, and a child psychologist will now determine which children have been naughty or nice.
3] Understanding the economic considerations of toys only being given to good children (and the fiscal saving which results from naughty children being precluded from reward), we are mindful of the potential for emotional harm which naughty children may suffer as a result of exclusion. We therefore propose the following safeguards:
a] In September, the Children’s Panel will determine which children have been naughty.
b] The Magistrate will have the final adjudication and decision as to which children should be precluded by a visit from Santa.
c] The preclusion of receipt of toys from Santa is to fall under Anti Social Behaviour Order Legislation which will only require minor amendment.
d] The Child Psychologist will consider whether trauma counselling should be provided on a case by case basis.
e] The Youth Community Officer will consider the provision of a community outreach service to naughty children aimed at developing self worth and an understanding of the social impact of their behaviour.
4] Children will be encouraged to leave healthy food out for Santa. Social Services are mindful that the figure of Santa Claus is a role model for children, and a preference for a diet of fruit, vegetables etc should encourage appropriate eating styles rather than mince pies which have a high calorific content and are of little nutritional worth.
11. Commons Committee on Standards and Privileges
It has been decided that this body need not be consulted as to donations from Santa which are to considered normal festive gifts, irrespective of value or if in monetary form.
12. Permanent Under Secretary of State
The Civil Service wholeheartedly endorses the current policy on the acquisition of the North Pole and the administration of Santa Claus’s activities. Revenue generated from taxation will be amply sufficient to fund the various departments’ new obligations, and we make the following observations:
Provisional time and motion studies suggest the need for a further:
22,000 social workers
15,000 customs officers
1,000 members of the Magistracy
300 new Court clerks
25,000 youth community officers
45,000 revenue inspectors.
12. Prime Minister’s Office
Initially it was held that Santa Claus’s costume should be redesigned. Focus groups had determined that red was a threatening colour commonly associated with anger and aggression. Gordon Brown, on receipt of this report in draft, pointed out the red was the colour of Labour.
Welcome news is that the administrative office of the newly created Ministry of The Winter Festive Holiday (so as not to cause offence to non-Christians) is to be located at Kircaldy and Cowenbeath. Toy making will be moved from the North Pole to marginal constituencies. We foresee increased revenue for the treasury, employment benefits within marginal constituencies and a way to meet our environmental targets.
Ho Ho Ho